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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29691843">Is it okay to love you?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArsenicTardigrade/pseuds/ArsenicTardigrade'>ArsenicTardigrade</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Confessions, Detailed feelings, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Slow Build, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, just kissing, lots of detail</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:20:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,116</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29691843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArsenicTardigrade/pseuds/ArsenicTardigrade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Will is absolutely in love with someone but is afraid of love for a number of reasons. Not afraid of a relationship necessarily, but love itself. Often too afraid to admit to himself that he loves her, it's only logical that when he tried to tell Teo how he feels, it's not nearly as smooth as he'd like. Or rather, it doesn't happen at all.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Female Character/Original Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Overwhelming Feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I plan to make this about 4 chapters long, but I'm not completely sure. Should be updated every day. Feedback is appreciated (And needed, I'm not the best at writing)</p><p>Edit 2/25: Few more paragraphs at the end to help it flow to the next chapter, which will be up soon.</p><p>Edit Numero Deux:<br/>&gt;4 chapters<br/>haha...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will has been in love with a woman for many years.<br/>
There hasn't been a day where he hasn't thought about her. Even before he knew he would think about kissing her, he always found himself loving every aspect of her. Love comes in many forms- there's the love of things, friends, people, concepts, and Will has poured all of these feelings into such a pretty young woman.</p><p>It began with admiration. He liked how expressive she was, he always wanted to know her motivation behind it. There never was one, she simply existed as such. He'd lose sleep because he couldn't wait to see her the next day so he'd have the chance to understand how she truly thought, how her mind really worked. He didn't care if it was something he agreed with, he wanted to understand who she was.<br/>
As they became closer friends, he was able to list all of the things he loved about her. The sense of curiosity faded and was replaced with a sense of safety, like home. He'd incorporate her needs into his routine, he'd think about what she would say if he bought groceries- maybe say he was gross, that she couldn't believe he liked that sort of stuff! He'd watch her eyes when she seemed distracted, admire her soft cheeks that she would brush to move her hair out of her face. Even when she annoyed him, which was easy to do because of how irritable he naturally is, he still loved that it was a part of her. All part of one beautiful system.<br/>
One might say he was already in love at this point. And really, there is no way to pinpoint when he truly fell for her. Maybe it was inevitable, maybe he's just too caring. Regardless, it swallowed him whole.</p><p>It frightened him, he had never been in love.</p><p>There were too many variables to think about in one go. He thought about everything that would occur if he told her how he felt and if she wanted to date him- God, what if she wanted to marry him just as much as he did? He couldn't stand himself most of the time. Not self destructive or self sabotaging, but it hurt him enough that he was afraid to enter a relationship. But that's not entirely true either. He could be in a relationship, he could force himself to endure anything he needed to. He was afraid of being in love, afraid of sharing this love with someone else.</p><p>He wanted to kiss her, just about every man had some girl they want to kiss. He wanted to do so many things to her- with her! But it felt so wrong, it made him feel as if he was imposing something onto someone who was only going to be afraid or disgusted. He trusted her as a friend, but he could never ask if she would hate him if they kissed. He tried to hide his feelings from himself- but they all came rushing back when she wore new lip gloss, drawing his eyes to her soft lips. He'd forget what he wanted to say and watched as her lips moved. All he wanted to do was to know what they tasted like, or how it would feel if he delicately brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. He called himself perverted for this for quite some time, which is quite ironic considering how far his fantasies would eventually go. He eventually had to forgive himself for such an innocent thought.</p><p>Of course, there was also this feeling of inadequacy. He was a fairly confident person, usually very quiet and people mistook this for insecurity or shyness, but this was never the case. Romance was an exception. He faced the same dilemma that many trans people face; the idea that their lover, partner, or romantic interest deserves a real man or a real woman. He wanted nothing but the best for his companion, she deserved a real man to keep her safe. He was strong, had been told a plethora of times that he was intelligent, but not having a dick really puts you out of many people's dating pools. It was a common joke that female to males were the 'worst of both worlds' in opposed to male to females, who were the best of both. Anyone in the world would have preferred a masculine woman, the idea that transitioning helped him get laid was hilarious.</p><p>But this girl, Teo, was also trans. Some may say this would have improved his chances, but he felt that he was only ruining her chance at having a normal sex/love life. He could almost rest easy knowing if there was a man out there just like him who would care for her as a real man. Unfortunately, that would drive him insane, the idea of seeing her with any other man made him irate.</p><p>And he knew his needs were great. He never wanted his genitals touched, he never wanted his chest touched. He would sometimes be averse to any sort of touch because it reminded him of his sex- he avoided hugs for a long time because it always reminded him of his chest. But he desperately wanted to have sex. Any time he explained his sexual dysphoria, he was reminded that "you can't have your cake and eat it too" and something would have to change.</p><p>What part of love is not to be feared? Oh, how he longed to be vulnerable with her, but what if it all collapsed right on top of him? Knowing he'd never please her as a man, but instead as a transsexual male. Worrying that if he acted on his instincts and desires, she might be scared- and more importantly, he might hurt her in a way he could never take back. And he was so socially absent, he wanted to take her on dates all the time, but where? To him, walking down the street would be a date if she just held his hand, but he knew girls wanted more than that!</p><p>He knew that many of these thoughts were nothing more than overthinking, but this clarity was not as commonly felt.</p><p>None of this changed how he felt though. He adored her. He wanted to bond with her. If she left for more than a week he'd swear he'd blow his brains out from the sudden lack of radiance from her. He wanted her life to be his life, and his to belonging to her. But such a bond is terrifying- it should be if you're taking it seriously.<br/>
He had been holding these feelings back for far too long. It almost (Emphasis on almost) didn't matter if she loved him as much as he did or not, he just had to tell her how he felt. And if that meant he had even a minute chance at being able to know what the inside of her mouth felt like, he was more than willing to man up and do it.</p><p>He had made promises to himself that he would tell Teo how he felt, but he never saw it through. Tonight would be different, although that's what everyone says. But he was pretty serious this time, after hiding this for years it almost felt like he was lying to her by not mentioning it. He thought about making some sort of plan, maybe pull something cheesy like putting his arm around her when they watched a movie, but it wouldn't have felt genuine. Flowers wouldn't fit, he was confessing, not asking for a date right away. The more he considered it, the more afraid he became, so it seemed best to spit it out and see what happens.</p><p>Teo visited his apartment often so it wouldn't be odd for him to call her to hang out for a bit, but he had to make it clear he didn't want to just play video games for an hour and go their separate ways. A quick phone call and offer of dinner would suffice.<br/>
Will stood on his balcony and paced to and fro, fumbling with his phone. It was almost 4:30, he had been pacing like a caged animal for 15 minutes now. He had never felt so nervous over a phone call before, it was a bit embarrassing really.</p><p>In the middle of his worrying and mumbling, he was caught off guard by his phone very loudly ringing. He frantically looked back down at it, trying to focus after the surprise and realized it was Teo- what a coincidence. He huffed, picked it up, and gave a quick "Hello?"</p><p>Teo sounded quite bored as she spoke. "Whatcha up to?"<br/>
No real reason to hide it, "I was about to call you actually, funny that you got to me first."<br/>
"Oh! Well, neat I guess. What were you going to call me for? I was just checking if you were free, I'm bored out of my mind."<br/>
"Similar goal. I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out or something."<br/>
She perked up and her voice seemed to lighten "Yeah, of course! I really wanted to get out of the house, do you want to go to that park down the block? You mentioned walking there a lot and I know there's a creek too."<br/>
No. No, he did not want to go to the park, he wanted HER at HIS place.<br/>
"Sure, if you want to." He said in quite a sweet tone, despite his panic. Maybe it would be more romantic, but he really wanted it to be private and intimate. Still, just go with it.</p><p>"Nice. Do you want to walk down together or can you pick me up?" She seemed excited now, maybe it was better to go along with it.<br/>
Walking would calm his nerves. "I'd like to walk, kind of a waste of fuel to just drive such a short distance. I'll meet you at outside in a few minutes"<br/>
"Okay! I need to get changed now, Bye-bye." She hung up first.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will immediately put his head in his hands. That went very well, but god is it stressful. Maybe he should put on something nicer too. It was pretty hot outside, it was nearing Summer and Texas heat is nothing to joke about. He went back inside and looked through his closet. This was not fancy at all, he shouldn't dress any differently than normal- but he still had to look put together. Quite the task considering he still looks like his mom dresses him every morning.</p><p>He changed into some cargo shorts, a pair of green cons, and a loose-fitting T-shirt with the album 'Ghost in the machine' just so he knows he's the coolest man in town. Fixed up his hair, grabbed his keys, and stepped out of his apartment. Teo lived in a dorm that was right down the street on the way to the park. Both of them were college students, but Will couldn't stand the idea of roommates and took a more expensive apartment instead. This is the only reason Teo visits his place really, he actually owned very little and her little dorm was cuter.</p><p>The walk down to her dorm was more of a jog than a brisk walk because he didn't want to keep her waiting. She stood on the sidewalk that leads to the dormitory and he had to yell to get her attention since she was just sort of looking around aimlessly. She stayed put and he ran up to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. They dressed quite similarly in that they both looked like they were about to go jogging. She wore a very basic white tank top and blue dolphin shorts- he thought it looked adorable, but it would have been weird to mention it, so he kept quiet.</p><p>As they walked, Teo initiated some small talk, not being one to enjoy mutual silence. "Why do you like walking down here anyway?"<br/>
Will shrugged, "I don't see how you couldn't. It's calming, helps me think. I like going to the park specifically because there are usually not many people, sometimes I'll walk in the creek if it's shallow enough that day."<br/>
She seemed shocked, "You actually walk in that?"<br/>
"Of course, what kind of question is that.."<br/>
"They keep up signs about snakes there and in around all the trees!"<br/>
"Venomous ones too," he laughed, she lightly punched his arm.<br/>
"I don't want to go down there, you'll get bitten eventually. You've just been lucky." She crosses her arms. She takes his health very seriously, even if she can be a bit overbearing at times.<br/>
He shook his head, "No, it's just not hard to avoid snakes. They won't bother you and if you're worried about it hen just carry a big stick, they're not vipers or anything"<br/>
She only looked away, didn't say anything. He pat her back and kept talking. "I won't go down there today. We can stay outside of the trees. There are ducks and bodies of water without snakes if you want to look at them."</p><p>She smiled at that and nudged against his arm, "That sounds a lot nicer."<br/>
Will was pretty used to her being touchy, but anytime they bumped shoulders he felt his heart skip a beat. He still had a goal here. Sitting by the pond was definitely more romantic than sitting on his futon.</p><p>They ended up jogging down to the park because Teo was pretty excited about the ducks. It was a very large park, even had a pretentious little golf course another block or two away. Poppies were blooming, the grass a few meters away from the main trail was long. In the earlier hours, there would be bees, but for now, it was fairly bug free, save for crickets and grasshoppers. Most importantly for Will, it was quiet. The only people who were around were cyclists who he saw regularly. The sun was still out but much dimmer than it was before, the sky slowly developed the faintest of red tones. Still plenty of daylight for a couple more hours.</p><p>Teo was quite tired and stopped at a dinky little water fountain while they walked down to the pond. It was at this time, now that he was also a little bit tired and sweaty, that he really started to get some nerves. He didn't want to stare like a weirdo, but he didn't completely ignore her slightly damp face and lips. He didn't see anything sexual in her drinking water, that would be weird, but it drew him to her lips. She seemed so tired, her hair was just a bit messier than usual. She put a bit of water on her face and he watched as her fingertips ran over the little dips and divots of her face in just a second or two. They were both hot and tired, all he wanted was to move his thumb across her cute, dainty little face. But he realized he had been staring too long, and she looked him in the eye. No malice was in her expression and she simply turned to walk down to the pond. He was relieved.</p><p>She sat down by the pond first, continuing a conversation they were having before she got a drink.<br/>
".. I'm confused about why you still live here, Will."<br/>
Will sat down next to her and looked confused, "What do you mean? You know I don't have the money to move and I still have school."<br/>
She rolled her eyes, "I know that, but why did you decide to stay here. You said you hate it here. I don't like it either, I miss being up north."<br/>
He shrugged and laid down, looking at her as she looked over her left shoulder. "It's familiar to me."<br/>
She turned around to face him, crossing her legs. "That's not a reason you actually follow, right?"<br/>
He laughed and said, "Of course not."<br/>
"Then why? You wanted to live in Maine, what's with staying in Texas? They couldn't be more different."<br/>
Will thought for a moment.</p><p>"This is my home, always has been. For once I want.. stability."<br/>
She seemed more confused. "You have always had stability. You've been more stable than me..!"<br/>
He shook his head, "You're mistaking my past stoicism for stability. I want to stay in one place. Could I handle being thrown across the country? Sure, I could do it any day. But this is always my home. Sure I don't like the people, but it's my home because I made it that way. The native flowers will always be MY flowers, I'll never forget the smell of the south after a mid-day thunderstorm. What small amount of good memories I have all come from this place. Memories of small but kind exchanges between strangers- never understood how southerners can be so social with strangers, but I'd lose my mind if it ever left."</p><p>He sighed, catching his breath. Teo kept her eyes on him, giving a respectful and attentive silence. He continued.<br/>
"It's not a sense of patriotism, I trust that you know me well enough that I don't feel such a thing. But it's a part of who I am. It shaped how I grew up. And I've spent the majority of my life seeking stability. I mean, transitioning put a stop to that, you were always changing. Sure it was for the better, but it takes years away from you. But I don't need to go over that again."</p><p>They sat in silence for a moment, now both of them were thinking. Teo eventually asked "What about the people? People you actually got to know? Do they keep you here?"</p><p>Will laughed "Used to. But good friends exist everywhere. People, plural, do not keep me here. But you do. I stayed for you. If you moved back up north.. I think I'd go there too."<br/>
She raised a brow and laid down next to him. "But what about the other memories? It's not like those aren't important-"<br/>
He cut her off, "Teo, the significance of your presence is just as important, if not more, than all of my other pleasant memories formed here."<br/>
She tried to laugh and rolled her eyes once more, "You don't mean that and you know it, dumbass."<br/>
"I do mean it. I might finish my school for that year but I'd be with you as soon as I could" He tried to hide his nervousness. He couldn't tell if the blood was rushing into or out of his face, but god he was starting to lose it. He was so close.</p><p>She went quiet. He was lying on her side and fiddled with the end of her shirt. "I feel the same way. That's why I haven't moved back."<br/>
Will was about to show his surprised, but she continued. "Truly, my school is insignificant. I will always put more effort into my hobbies and social life than my school. It's a good college, sure.. but there are better ones. But I stay because you're here. This is.. your home. Specifically, you are apart of what I call home. Everyone has someone they have or want to have apart of their life. Some people get married to satisfy this or maybe it's a good friend they can't help but mention when talking about their routine. You are that person to me. I can't describe many aspects of happiness without mentioning the ways you have treated me."</p><p>A longer, deeper silence settled between the two. She had gotten so close to will that he could feel her breath against his shoulder. He finally lowered his guard and looked right at her face. It was still scary to be this vulnerable, but he felt closer to her. A soft hum of crickets and the slow movement of the water a few meters from them was all they could hear. The air was still, only keeping them warmer. He just focused on her- her skin, her breath, her dark eyes that looked right back at his, her soft hands than now rested just millimetres away from his stomach.<br/>
The calm of the silence faded into noticeable tension. He loved how soft her hands were, sure, but he wanted- no, needed to touch them. Everything he could ever want was just inches away. He couldn't stand being an observer to everything he loved. he wanted to brush her hair behind her ear, but every bone in his body was telling him it was going to end all of this. She'd hate him and tell him that's not what she meant, or she would simply be indifferent. But it was all too much. Seeing her dark hair drape across her neck, her breasts which were just inches away from his chest, and again her lips. She wore chapstick often so they were always so soft. She had such a cute face and it always felt like she was meant to be kissed, spoiled, and loved. Her expression now just made it worse- she was nervous. She felt the same fear that came with being so vulnerable around someone you love.</p><p>Will had to tell her how much he loved her. He couldn't bear any more carefully constructed words to dance around his feelings- or hers for that matter. He forced his anxiety down and brought his hand up to her face, brushing her hair our of her eyes. Her entire body relaxed at that moment and he couldn't be happier to see it. He felt how warm her face was against his palm, it was an angelic feeling. He let his hand rest on the side of her cheek and he broke the silence.</p><p>"Teo, you've always been home for me. I've always wanted to tell you that, I wanted to let you know that I truly felt as if I belonged to you. But I've been too afraid to do that, I felt that even though you did care about me, you would never love me in the same way I love you. Not that the love I had and continue to have for you as a friend is insignificant, but I can't deny the importance of being able to love and be loved romantically."</p><p>He paused and looked for any sort of response in her eyes. But he stopped and realized he didn't even say what he wanted to yet. "I love you. I've loved you for years. I love every part of you. I love how you think, I love how you talk. I can't express all of my feelings by just saying that I love it, language is limiting. I want to show you how I feel."</p><p>He leaned forward and moved his hand onto her shoulder. Teo leaned into him, letting her weight pool onto his chest as he kissed her. It was so very gentle, but Will was more than satisfied. The warmth of her lips couldn't be compared to anything he had ever experienced, he could only feel himself melt against her and stay as close as possible to make it last. She pulled away for just a moment, muttering 'I love you' over and over again, just barely loud enough for him to hear. He smiled and kissed her again, muffling her tiny voice. He slowly deepened the kiss, opening his mouth just slightly so he could know what she tasted like. She was more eager to do so and made quiet noises as he moved to lay on top of her.</p><p>He knew he couldn't do much since they were in public, but he was also not sure what she was willing to do so he kept all of his movements very slow. He placed a hand onto her knee and slowly slid it up to her inner thigh, making her giggle a little. But they both knew he wouldn't touch her shorts, he's a man of patience. But he kept it there, rubbing his thumb against her inner thigh as he pushed his tongue into her mouth. This continued for a while- the semi-sticky touching due to the heat, her giggling and whining, and his shakey hand and conscience keeping him from going on.</p><p>Teo suddenly pulled away to catch her breath, but Will knew it was best to wrap it up. He smiled and kissed her forehead, whispering "I can't believe I'm lucky enough to kiss the cutest girl I've ever met."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm not the best at ending chapters if you cannot tell. It's 11pm, I need to sleep.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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